What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 16.06.2025 10:38
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was scared of men, in general
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why after 50 years of being straight do I constantly desire to suck cock?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What is the worst thing your sibling has done?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im still living with it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Can men enjoy receiving anal sex?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
How is cultural invasion being carried out by Bollywood?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But, we were locked up after school.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
How does an experienced gay/bi guy handle a bi-courius guy on his first time?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Has a psychic ever made a crazy prediction that turned out to be true?
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I have no regrets .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I could never make a relationship work though!
He knew the spot.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So whats the point in blame.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My life is so biszare .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I said to her
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I will be 64.
All the time i was locked up.
She wouldn,t have been !
Who then, do I blame.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was in good health!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Would this be the day?
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
She loved him until the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it wasn’t much.
Put me off passion for life!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It was going to be , some day.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When she asked me how she looked .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was seconnd youngest,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was very sick at this time too.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What did i know ?
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I don,t even have a pension.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She found it foreign!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Comes on , in middle age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why did i forgive my father ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!